Second Soulmate
by Carnal Coffee Bean Catastrophe
Summary: -Lily looks back on her friendship with Severus a year after cutting it off; James is there to comfort her.
1. Her

o.O.o

The date is March 15.

And Lily is crying.

Tomorrow, she knows, she'll smile at everyone and laugh at her friend's antics and act like nothing's wrong. She'll dance around and crack jokes and hide her pain, and to be honest, tomorrow- or any day that isn't today- it's not really so bad. But for today- just for today- she'll lock herself up in her dorm, ignore her friends, and cry her bitter, bleeding, blackened, broken heart out.

It is the anniversary of The Event. Lily wipes her tears and sits up on her bed, still trembling from the exertion of the day. Careless sobs fall sporadically as she thinks back. One year. One entire year, since she last spoke to her ex-best friend, Severus Snape. No one else had understood why she hung out with him- but then, no one understood her, either. In her life, he was the only one who had ever truly understood her- and yes, she sighed to herself, she knows how overdramatic that sounds. But it can't help being that way. It's true. She had gone through life comparing herself to others, not understanding why she was different, why she couldn't connect, why there was no one her equal. And then- then she met Severus. She smiles tremblingly, fully immersed in the memory by now. She remembers everything- his deep eyes, intense and wary; his hair, a little unkempt, but thick and full and a startling blue-black; his scrawny limbs, sticking out every which way. She had noticed him on the playground, standing back from the slide; his body language said that he couldn't care less about the slide, but Lily saw his longing glances. She had grabbed his hand and run to the line, not giving him a chance to argue. They had slid down together, her in front. And, from then on, that was just the way it was. She fondly recalls sneaking out and spending nights out, under the stars, whispering secrets, giggling softly, pouring out their young hearts to each other. Summers of sticky ice cream, blistering sunlight, cold sprinklers, and Severus, always Severus, flashed through her mind. And, when she had to go to school, Severus was always waiting outside after, ready for some new adventure. No one knew her like Severus; she didn't want anyone to. Severus was her equal, her companion, her comfort, her soulmate. Severus was, in short, all she needed. She had been so excited to go to Hogwarts with him- an entire year spent entirely with him, no breaks for school! She chuckles bitterly. Yes, because that went so well, she scoffs. Her mind unwillingly returns to that day- the day of The Event, the day she fell apart, the day she pushed to the furthest corners of her memory until today.

o.O.o

"Lily!" In her mind, Severus runs behind her, long cloak flapping. "Lily, I didn't mean it, you know I-"

She whirls around. "Yes, Severus," she snaps, tears streaming down her face. "Yes, you did."

He colors. "How do you know?" he mutters.

"How do I know anything that goes on in your head anymore, Severus?" she rages. "What happened to you? Why did you start hanging around with them?"

"With who?"

"You know exactly who! Nott and Goyle and Crabbe and Rookwood? You know Avery got detention for torturing animals the other day?" She stops abruptly and faces him. "I don't know who you are anymore, Severus. You're just like them."

"It was a slip-up, Lily! I didn't mean to! It just-"

"Slipped out?" Lily finished, with a scornful laugh. "But, Severus, you've been calling all my friends "mudblood" all year. Why am I different?"

Severus stares at her, bristling.

She doesn't give him a chance to reply, but smiles bitterly. "I thought so, Sev." She glances down at her hands. "I can't take it anymore. You're different, and I don't know who you are. You're cruel and loathsome and foul, and- and I have to leave now," She turns to go. "It's over, Sev." She calls over her shoulder. "Have a nice life."

"Lily!" he calls out, but she doesn't turn around. The pain building up in her chest is incredible, and before he can chase after her, she runs into the castle, hands grasping at her mouth to hide the sobs threatening to escape.

o.O.o

She leans back, the pain threatening to crush her once again. What he did to her was unforgivable- but, in the same way, what she did to him was unforgiveable, too. And now- now, she sighs, she's thinking of James Potter, who, she knows, is sitting outside, just in case she needs anything. She wishes- for her sake and his- that she could feel something for him. That she could find her equal, her companion, her heart, her soulmate in him. It'd be so much easier for him and her. It'd be so much easier than this- this never-ending pain. He's perfect, really- witty, intelligent, handsome, caring, romantic, care-free, always laughing and optimistic and happy- just what her broken heart needs. And, with him, maybe she could learn to live and love and laugh again. But, alas, the position of soulmate is already taken. She's knows that she is never going to find another equal. Her life is going to be spent alone. And Lily Evans, no matter how much she pretends otherwise, is terrified of living life alone.

o.O.o

_A/N: Just in case you couldn't tell, this is a deviation from my typical light, if not humorous, tone. I wanted to include Severus somewhere in my stories, but wasn't sure how would be the right way. They always seemed more than friends to me- more than friends, but not romantically involved at all. I actually had a friend I lost- we had a bond very similar to what I imagine Lily and Severus had, so I drew a lot on that for this story. So, yeah! Hope you enjoyed the angst. It'll get better- the theme of drama will continue, but hopefully it won't be so... eh. Sometimes you just gotta get the angst out, ya know? As always, Potterverse is JKR's, not mine. All I own is the angst. Geez. JKR, if you ever want to trade, the offer's there. Reviews are loverly!_


	2. Him

o.O.o

The date is March 15.

And James Potter is waiting.

In all reality, he knows, it's very unlikely that she'll need anything. She's been locked up in her room all day, sobbing her heart out- the walls are stone, but they aren't sound-proof. He leans his head back against the door. If only… but what can he do? He knows the cause- both the cause for this outbreak, and the cause for her lessened smiles throughout the year. Her distracted gaze during classes. The flickers of agony on her face, there and then gone, replaced by a brilliant, fake smile. She is very good at hiding it, he knows- but every once in a while, the mask will slip, and the pain will bleed through. It kills him to see it. It kills him more to see that brilliant, fake smile, and know that beneath, the pain is stabbing at her again. He wants to reach out and cuddle her against his chest, where nothing can hurt her. He wants to tell her stupid jokes until she laughs for real and all the pain is gone, even if only for one second. It's cheesy, he knows, but he'd do it forever if it meant that she smiled- just once- and forgot, for a moment. He hates that she still loves _him_. He hates that _he _hurt her, that _he _did this to her, broke her like this. Hell, he thinks, he could even stand her being with _him,_ if it meant she would just be _herself _again. He hates that he can't be enough for her. He hates that she won't let him heal her, that she won't let him close enough to try. He hates that he knows- he _knows_- that they'd be perfect together, that he can heal her, that he can make her forget, that he can make her happier than even _he_ could, that slimy git.

o.O.o

The door flies open, and he falls back, hitting his head against the cold stone floor.

"Ow," he states, surprised.

"Are you all right?" Lily's over-bright, wet, startlingly _green _eyes are suddenly very close.

"Yeah," he groans and sits up, rubbing the growing knot at the back of his head. He looks up, wincing. "How are you?"

"Fine," she mutters, looking away.

"Yeah, that's not a lie," he rolls his eyes, grabbing her hand and pulling her down to the floor with him. She doesn't protest, but obligingly sits down beside him, curls up against his chest, and closes her eyes. He frowns. "Lily?" he questions, hand smoothing her hair absently. "Not that I mind, exactly, but…" he cocks his head at her. "This isn't like you."

She doesn't answer, but snuggles further into his chest.

"Hey, hey, hey," he soothes. They sit like that for a minute, Lily burrowed so far into his chest that he doubts she'll be able to remove herself without an Unsticking Charm. Not that he minds, but… "Ok, Lily. What's up?"

She sighs. "Can't we just… not talk about it?"

He looks at her incredulously. "Since when have you known me not to talk?"

She smiles, tremblingly, against his chest. He smiles, hooks two fingers under her chin, and gently lifts her head to look at his. "There it is," he murmurs, pleased.

"There what is?" she asks, too emotionally exhausted to act annoyed.

"Your smile," he brushes a lock of hair behind her ear. "I was starting to think I'd never see it again."

"I smile every day, Potter." She can't stop gazing into his eyes.

"Real smiling," he clarifies. "Not fake smiling, like you normally do."

Her eyes widen, irrationally frightened at being caught out. She wrenches her head free and hides it in his chest again. "Is it that obvious?"

"Nah," he mollifies her. "Just to creepy obsessive guys who've been stalking you since First Year. We can kinda tell these things, you know."

She chuckles into his shirt. "So I've only got to worry about you reading my mind, then."

He shifts and puts an arm around her. "Pretty much," his voice is smug, and he nuzzles his cheek against her hair, secretly reveling in its scent and feel.

She abruptly breaks his hold and shifts slightly to face him, eyes wide and brimming with tears. "I loved his, you know," she says abruptly.

"I know," he responds softly, heart breaking as the tears start to drip down her face.

"He was…" she's struggling to continue now, as the tears fall faster and thicker. "…my everything," she finishes with a broken sob. James reaches for her, and she collapses into him again, crying her poor, little, broken heart out to someone else for the first time. He brings her firmly tucked into the curve of his body again, and she uses his last clean shirt as a rather large handkerchief- not that he minds. Her tears soak through, wetting his skin. Dark spots appear on Lily's hair, and, in an hour or so, after she's mainly finished and only letting out the occasional hiccup or sob, she notices the feeling of wet on her head. She looks up to see James' face blotchy with tears.

"James?" Her gaze is questioning.

James tries to quickly wipe any evidence of tears from his face, and gives her a grin that would have been confident, had it not been trembling ever so slightly. "Yes, Lily-kins?"

"Were you… crying?"

He sighs and gives up any far-fetched dreams of acting anytime in the future. "Yeah."

"…why?"

He looks down at her, surprised. "Because you're hurting," he explains, as if it is the plainest thing in the world.

She looks down and away for a moment, blushing, for some reason. "I got your shirt all wet," she murmurs.

"It was due for a washing anyways," he reassures her, and she laughs. For real, he notes- not the fake laugh of last year, but finally a real one- one he's been dying to hear for so long. Her overbright eyes close in enjoyment, she throws her head back, and _laughs_. He watches her, entranced by her beauty. Then he blinks. "Uh… Lily?" he starts gently. "Lily, it wasn't all that funny…"

She giggles against him. "I know, Potter. I know." She wipes her eyes, then glances up at him. "Hey, Potter?"

He gazes down at her, nervous suddenly. "Yeah, Evans?"

"Go to Hogsmeade with me?"

He stares, open-mouthed, at her. Collecting himself, including all of his rather frantically racing thoughts, he stalls, "I thought the guy was supposed to ask out the girl."

"Eh. I figured you'd asked me enough times," she leans back and grins at him.

Gently, he disentangles himself from her, sighs, and mentally prepares himself to do the hardest thing he's ever done.

"No."

o.O.o

_A/N: Sososo... what do you think so far? Can you guess where it's going? 'Cause I can't. Well, I know the general direction- I love Lily and James together, so I'm headed that way, obviously-, but that's about it. Do you like it? Think I'm terrible at angst and should stop immediately? Think the present tense is too annoying? Think I have waaay too much time on my hands? (I should be studying. Damn you, college.) I own nothing Potter-verse-wise- JKR owns it all. Except for the angst. The angst is all mine. Oh, if only she would trade... Reviews are like sunny days to a person used to sunny days, but currently in a place of great coldness!_


	3. Them

o.O.o

"No."

"No?"

James shakes his head, eyes still firmly closed so that he doesn't have to see the disappointment in her face. She touches his face tenderly, and his eyes, screwed so tightly shut a second before, fly open. He stares at her, and she at him; her face is confused, bewildered, questioning… vulnerable. Lily Evans doesn't get turned down.

"No?" She presses gently, eyes searching his.

"No." His voice wavers, but nevertheless, he stands firm.

"But…" It's sinking in. She's at a loss for words. "Why?" she asks. Her eyes, more open and readable and vulnerable than he's ever seen them, cloud over with hurt. It's killing him.

"Because," he tilts his chin up, looking everywhere but at her. Out of his peripheral vision, he sees her lip start to tremble. It's his undoing; he breaks, pulls her close, cradles her to him. She hardens her body, becomes stiff and lifeless in his arms. "Lily," he sighs into her hair. "Lily, you know I'd want nothing more." She remains silent and stony. "Lily…" he draws out her name, trying to irritate her into answering. No luck. "It's just… look, you're emotional right now, and you're wanting to be close to someone- anyone. You'd probably regret it in the morning." He shakes her gently, wondering to himself if she's fallen asleep. She is unresponsive for a moment; then, suddenly, she melts against him, hiding her face in his chest- it seems to be her favorite place to hide, he notes.

"How do you know?" She murmurs, and he can feel her lips moving through the thin fabric of his shirt.

Shivering, he answers, "Because you're not thinking straight right now. And we're Potter and Evans, Lily. You can't give into me after five years. It'd violate the rules of nature or something." Lily glances up and shoots him a _look_, and he sighs in relief- he's been wondering when the Lily he knew and loved would ever be back.

"We live in a magic castle, James. I'd say violating the rules of nature is not a major concern right now." She settles back into his chest. "And my thinking right now is as straight as ever." Her brows are furrowed, and her bottom lip pushes forward ever so slightly into a pout. James closes his eyes- the pout always kills his willpower. It's amazing, he thinks off-handedly, the power this woman has over him- not to brag, but normally his willpower is invincible. One little pout from _her_, though… He clears his throat.

"No offense, Lily, but you just spent the day in your room crying. That's not typically a sign of clear-headedness." She sighs, and the breath _whuffs_ across his chest.

"So?"

"So what?" He tilts his head and looks down at the small figure huddled in his lap, confused.

"So what if I'm not thinking clearly?" Her voice is quiet but stubborn, and he smiles a bit- a stubborn Lily he knows how to handle. He lifts her chin up from its current position, buried in his chest. She looks down, determined to keep the tears shining in her green eyes hidden. He's having none of that, he thinks.

"Hey," his voice is soft. "Look at me, wouldja?"

She shakes her head, eyes on her fingers which are tracing patterns haphazardly across his shirt. "Why?"

"Because I'd like to see you."

"You're seeing me now."

"Your eyes, Lily-vanilly." She shoots him a glare at the nickname, and he smiles again. She frowns, agitated that he got what he wanted so easily, and goes back to watching her fingers.

"Satisfied?"

"Nope." He shifts, and suddenly she finds herself splayed out on the floor, head in his lap. She looks up into laughing hazel eyes.

"Hey!" She huffs. He chuckles and starts playing with her hair. Her eyes close slowly, and she makes small sounds of contentment as he continues combing through the auburn strands with his fingers.

"Better?" He asks, after a bit. She opens her eyes and smiles at him.

"Yeah." She feels lazy, warm, and sleepy, and she's pretty sure she doesn't want him to stop. Ever.

"So, ready to listen to me?"

"About what?" Her voice is slow, soft, dripping with sleep. She looks so content, he considers dropping it and letting her fade into sleep, which she so obviously needs. He's not sure if she even remembers asking him out anymore. He decides to test it.

"About what you asked me. Before." She stiffens, and he sighs. Well, one question answered, he thinks ruefully. She relaxes again as he continues to play with her hair.

"What about it?" Her voice, quiet, barely disturbs the lazy haze of the room.

"Just thinking," his voice is purposely pitched soft and low, with a thread of playfulness, and she cracks an eye open to look at him. "You know, traditionally it's the guy who asks the girl…"

"You've mentioned that before," she murmurs, eye drifting shut again.

"Yeah, but it's kind of important to me. I mean, my mom would kill me if I went out with a girl because she asked me- bad manners and all that."

"And this would be a bad thing?"

"Hey, you're the one that asked me out. I kinda think the world would be a much more boring place for you without me. No sexy Quidditch players to moon after, no one constantly asking you out, no one to argue with or hex every other second…" He shoots her his trademark smirk, and she laughs.

"Yeah," she sighs playfully, eyes dramatically rolling, "No one constantly annoying me or traumatizing poor little first years, no one hexing any guy that comes within five feet of me- imagine, a full Transfiguration class without someone whispering something perverted into my ear every five seconds!" She grins at him. "You know, Potter, I'm thinking the pros far outweigh the cons."

"Well," he mutters, face coloring, "in that case…" He starts to stand up, but she grabs his wrist.

"Potter, I was just teasing," she giggles, voice gentle.

"Hmph." He settles down and starts playing with her hair again. "You'd miss me," he remarks after a bit, tone confident.

"Mmmm…" She pretends to deliberate, eyes dancing with amusement.

"You would."

"Yeah," she relents. "Maybe just a little." He smiles delightedly at this, and she laughs at the look on his face.

"What?" He asks, confused.

"You look like a kid on Christmas morning," she grins.

"The girl I've been chasing for six years just told me she'd miss me if I died. I'm allowed to be happy."

"That's not much, Potter." His hands still, and she looks up at him, curious.

"It's more than I've had for six years." His tone is matter-of-fact, and his gaze is steady as it holds hers. They stare at each other for a moment, both a little disconcerted at the words. She's the first to break eye contact, glancing down at her hands. They both breathe in, surprised to find that they'd been holding their breath.

"Anyways…" he starts playing with her hair again- it's soothing for both of them, he's discovered. "I'm thinking that in a week or so might be a good time to ask you out again." She glances up at him.

"A week?" His eyes are open, warm, almost… loving, and she finds herself staring into them again.

"A week," he reaffirms. She mulls it over, then…

"Okay," she murmurs. "A week." He smiles.

"Getting tired yet?" She yawns.

"A little bit."

"Ready for bed?"

"Nope." He looks down at her.

"…so I'm just gonna play with your hair til you fall asleep?"

"Pretty much," she mumbles lazily, slurring the words. In minutes, she's out. He picks her up and carries her to her bed. When he goes to lay her down, her brow furrows faintly and she grabs at him in her sleep. He gently pries her fingers from his shirt, and she rolls over and cuddles her pillow to her chest. He watches her for a few seconds, brushes a wayward strand of hair from her face then leaves the room.

o.O.o

_A/N: Hey, guys! Sorry for making y'all wait so long. Life, as usual, has been chaotic, ironic, and completely unpredictable. What I wouldn't give for a normal week, eh? So I hope y'all like my explanation of why James said no- or at least accept it as James-y. This is mature James, remember- he doesn't just want Lily to have her, he wants her to be happy having him. *sigh* Oh, I do so love them. I own nothing Potter-verse(I did ask for a wand this Christmas, but sadly, that turned out to be a no-go. Hey, there's always my next birthday though, right?); all belongs to the great JKR. Thanks muchly for the reviews so far, and please keep them coming!_


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